I sit and think of the funeral. I am pouring out tears one moment, the next thinking that my one hand is extremely moist and the Kleenex in it almost entirely destroyed, then musing on another story about our friend and should I tell it to the mourners.
There are weird isolated moments that are extremely funny. There were four men and two women to carry our friend, specially picked because of their true friendship towards our man. Six novice pallbearers being instructed on how to bear. There was a seventh pallbearer that I didn't notice. I forgot to tell him that we had it covered and he could sit back and watch. I didn't notice that he was at the back of the coffin helping to carry. We are given small increments of instructions as anything more complex would throw us into chaos. We start to walk towards the plot and all I am doing is watching the ground. It is uneven, we are walking over plaques. I find that I am noticing their names and even said sorry to them once or twice. We are not in step with each other, there are great height differences and strengths. My sandal gets stepped on slightly and I squeal like a monkey. Louise is stepping on the heels of the person in front of her. There is a resting place ahead where we can put him down for a moment. We all laugh at our situation. Not really thinking of the person we are carrying. At that point I do not want to think of what we are actually doing - it would make it too real. Because I am in the middle position the weight is not a problem. We reach the plot and it is over. We have carried him to the last place. We have cared for him all those years and never thought that it would end. I am a denier of the circle of life, I tend to believe that things do not end this way, that there is an out. Right now my friend is passed but because I can imagine him sitting at the table or eating some buttertarts he is still here. I can't see him gone. He is living on.
People asked about the carrying our friend. Why we would volunteer to walk with him that last time. We could have had strangers do it for us take that burden away from us, allow us to think of our loss. None of us thought of it as a burden or if it would be too much for us. I would like to think if one of us faltered then someone else would step in and take our place. There was no burden only sadness in our hearts.
